Letting Go of Micromanaging, Part 2
E/4:29 Parent-to-Parent
So many new choices and options through the college years await! We can’t expect our students or ourselves to get all of it right. There has only been One that was perfect! Our adult lives are filled with choices like the free will that God gave us in the beginning in the Garden. In Genesis 2:16-17a (NIV), God says “you are free to eat of every tree in the garden; but you must not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” Adam and Eve were free to choose, but not free of the consequences.
We instinctively want to protect our children from pain or failure. However, if we are honest with ourselves, we have learned the most from pulling ourselves up from pain, failure, and discomfort. We must allow our adult children to have these kinds of blessings. Someone once told me the person who is in pain or uncomfortable is the one who will be willing and motivated to change. We may be doing a disservice to our students by doing too much for them and keeping them from this individual kind of growth. Romans 5:3-4 (NIV) says, “not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” If there is anything most of our students need right now, it is more hope.
How do we stop micromanaging their choices? It starts with a change in how we communicate. When they come to us with a problem, a bad grade, decision, etc., instead of telling them what to do we start by shifting the responsibility to them of deciding a course of action. Speak to them by forecasting success in their decision-making instead of giving the answers. For example: “You make good decisions” (give an example from childhood); and “I know you can do this.” For me, I try not to launch into problem-solving mode (this is hard) but instead give my young adult the opportunity to see that they can work it out for themselves. I find it has been helpful to start by asking them what they need the most, as in “Are you wanting to vent, need advice for options, or asking me to do something about it?” My question puts the answer in their court, so to speak, to say what they would like to see happen.
Next, relate to them and their situation with empathy, but then put the action plan back on them. A conversation may sound like this: “That sounds like a lot. I know that if anyone can figure out a best fit for you in this situation, it’s you with the resources and supports around you. Let me know what you decide.” When you ask if they want advice, and their answer is “no”, you must respect that and allow them to figure it out. These changes in communication adjust our posture, not our position.
At this stage of talking to our students, we may benefit from being curious and asking questions. I notice a different attitude and response when I ask “Can you help me understand?” Ask your student and you’ll show them you value their opinion and by doing so, you may gain some understanding about what is on their mind, what fills their hearts, what pushes their aspirations, what sparks their fears…You may get to know them better. Changing your approach and responses may open the lines of meaningful adult conversation. Stacy L., Senior
E/4:29’s contributing authors are parents of students who are currently enrolled in an undergraduate or graduate degree program at Liberty or have recently graduated. Each month, the Parent-to-Parent blog offers practical tips, helpful guidance, and encouraging wisdom that they may serve you “only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (as in, Ephesians 4:29).
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