Column: Men, Let the Women Choose in Relationships

I have been single for all 20 years, four months, eight days, and eight hours of my life. I hate it. All men hate it, because we feel like we’re losing in some way. We feel like not having a good woman by our side makes us somehow inferior to other men who do. At least for me, it feels like I’m not being faithful to one of the very first commandments to go forth and multiply.

When I have questions about life, I usually wait around until God gets annoyed with me and throws someone at me who has the answers, and love is no exception. Thankfully, God threw a very wise music teacher at me once, who explained to me that in every relationship, the woman chooses.

The idea that the woman chooses offended me a little. After all, the man usually picks the girl he finds the most attractive, and then figures out if he likes her personality. This idea of the woman choosing seemed to strip the power from me, and no guy likes that.

That idea isn’t supposed to strip power from men; it’s supposed to empower us. The basic idea is that, no matter how hard the man tries, the woman ultimately makes the decision about whether the relationship is good or not. This is how the dreaded “Friend Zone” is usually formed. The woman realizes, usually correctly in my opinion, that the relationship wouldn’t float and anchors it in the harbor before it sinks.

To prove my point, let’s think about the basis of choice. Is choice asking the question, or answering a question that’s been asked? For example, let’s say the question being asked is whether or not you’d like a free elephant. Many would say that the choice is the option to receive a free elephant or to refuse the free elephant. I argue that the choice is the answer you give. The choice is what you do.

Thinking about that, in a relationship, who asks the question and who answers it? How does the script usually read?

“Will you go out with me?”

“…Yes.”

When you read that, who is the man and who is the woman? Most would read this as the man asking, and the woman answering. The woman chooses. Now, understand, I don’t say this to take away the responsibility the man holds. He still has to choose to ask, but the buck stops with the woman. This is why, in Song of Solomon, the only book of the Bible not available to those under 18, Solomon’s wife offers a warning to the Daughters of Jerusalem not to arouse or awaken love until it is time. This is so important to her that she swears on the gazelles and the does of the field, which appear to be the pet nicknames Solomon and his wife used for each other, basically swearing on her marriage.

(NOTE: I am not a pastor, I can’t read Hebrew, and I’m not a Bible student. Take this with a grain of salt.)

My last point is that women are far more emotionally intelligent than men. If a girl tells you no, or yes, or later, then you can be pretty sure she understands the situation better than you do. If you’d like to disagree with me, then I would suggest you meet a girl first.

In short, guys, if you’re still single, be happy. It means that the girls you’ve known care enough about you to not give you false hope.

Now, maybe this gives only me comfort, like how walking up an escalator makes me unreasonably happy, but I’m hoping this gives some of y’all some hope. And yes, it’s y’all. Not ya’ll.