Connection Piece: Apathy

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March 24, 2022

Apathy. If I’m being honest, this word was not one that I really related to until recently. If I’m being super honest, this word scares me, like a lot. The definition of apathy is “a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.” Hearing this word and knowing all that comes with it is something that I never thought I would have to deal with, at least not in the way that I experienced it last semester. Apathy can take many forms, but one form I was not aware of, and I am now consequentially terrified of, is spiritual apathy.

To give a little bit of context, last year was extremely difficult for me. I faced a lot of really hard things including a friend of mine passing away and the loss of my great grandmother to cancer.  Both of these people were so important to me and losing them were probably two of the hardest things I have ever had to walk through. BUT! The Lord is so faithful and so very kind that in this season He brought me peace that completely surpassed any and all understanding that I could ever have and He drew me closer to Himself. Even though I was experiencing such hard things, and if I’m being honest, these are just the two REALLY BIG things that were hard last year, but I was pushed to an utter dependence on the Father that made me fall so madly in love with Him! My Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, loving Father, faithful friend! There are about a hundred more ways I could describe the Lord but honestly these were the names that I leaned into the most this past year.

I can genuinely say that my relationship with the Lord was the strongest it has ever been from the time my friend passed away through walking through the entire summer knowing my Nannie only had a couple of weeks left on this side of eternity. I remember being genuinely confused why I was so drawn to the Lord, why did I love Him more when I was hurting so much? God in His kindness brought me to these verses in James 1:2-4 “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” The Lord uses our suffering and our trials to draw us to Himself! The fact that He can redeem the brokenness of this world by bringing us to Himself, the only One who can fully heal our hearts is incredible!

Now that you have a bit of context and you know a little bit about my life this past year, let’s dive into apathy. You might be asking yourself how apathy fits in all of this and trust me, she fits. At the end of last semester, I started noticing something in myself, I was slowly losing all desire to spend time with God. One day, I just didn’t have a quiet time and that turned into not having a quiet time the next day and the next and the next. I remember lacking any desire to pursue the Lord and being so confused about it. Why didn’t I want the Lord? He had just brought me through so much and shown me His faithfulness and His goodness, so why was I pushing Him to the side?

If I’m being super honest with y’all this lasted for three months. Three months of me pushing the Lord to the side. Three months of not wanting the Lord but wanting to want Him. I remember feeling so alone in this thinking that no one else understood, that I was the only one to experience anything like this. SUCH A LIE FROM THE ENEMY! One day, I remember just coming to this place of desperation. I knew how much I needed the Lord. There was a gaping hole in my life that became filled with constant anxiety and to be vulnerable with y’all (because vulnerability invites vulnerability) I put on the best mask I could so that no one would know. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was struggling with this. I mean, how would someone react if they knew that I was struggling with not wanting the Lord?! Would people think that I didn’t love the Lord (ANOTHER LIE FROM THE ENEMY) because I did love Him!

When I came to this place of pure desperation for the Lord, He did what He always does, He met me in my brokenness. He met me right where I was. One day I was sitting in the tower doing homework, but it just so happens that Dr. Wheeler was also in the room talking to a student. I started listening to their conversation for a bit because the student had asked a really hard question about if we could lose our salvation. (To clarify, this was a public conversation that was being had loudly in the room with me so I wasn’t eaves dropping) Dr. Wheeler looked at the student and he said something that really struck me. He said that once, he went through a season where he was extremely apathetic, and this is what he said “I lost all desires to do anything for the Lord, but I didn’t lose my salvation. God was calling me to a deeper level with Him, I just wasn’t listening.” In that moment, hearing Dr. Wheeler say those words, I felt the Lord chip away at the callouses that I had allowed to form on my heart. I heard the gentle voice of the Lord say to me “I am calling you deeper, now come.”

After that moment and a lot of hard conversations with my friends and a couple professors, the Father showed me how He was still calling me to Himself, but He was calling me to know Him more deeply. Throughout most of my walk with the Lord, I have experienced Him the most through worship and reading the Word. Let me be clear, neither of these things are bad nor are they lesser ways of experiencing the Lord BUT as I have prayed for discernment, the Lord has shown me that there are endless other ways for us to know Him more deeply and more intimately! In my life, the Lord showed me that to pursue Him deeper I must talk to Him. I have to PRAY! This is something that I’m honestly not really the best at, but it is a discipline that the Lord is rooting in my heart. He also showed me the importance of a daily surrender to Him. Every day He gives me my daily bread, which is the perfect portion I need for that day, so how could I not surrender that day to Him and all that He has for me?

Which leads me back to apathy. I wish I could say hearing the words of Dr. Wheeler changed my heart so fully and completely that my relationship with the Lord is incredible and I am constantly pursuing Him, but that would be a lie. Fighting spiritual apathy is still a daily battle for me, but I am extremely blessed to have incredible community that walks through this with me. Hebrews 10:24-25 reminds us of the importance of community by saying “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Having community around you to push you towards Christ is something that is SO IMPORTANT as you walk through daily life and especially if you are walking in spiritual apathy. I am extremely grateful for the girls that I have who walk alongside me every day and live out the verse in Hebrews 10 in my life. The best part about the community that I have with them is that we don’t have to be doing a Bible study to be considered as doing life together! My community with my girls looks a lot like quick meals in between classes, game nights, going to SA events, and sometimes it does look like studying the Word together. Don’t believe the lie that if you’re not doing a Bible study with your friends that you’re not living in Christian community. Community is about loving one another and encouraging one another in our walks with the Lord so that our hearts don’t grow apathetic towards to our Savior and King who deserves all honor and all glory for who He is!

Well, that’s just a snippet of my story over this past year, but I hope that you walk away from this blog encouraged. I hope you can finally put a name to what you have been feeling and you can walk away knowing that you are not alone in what you are feeling! If I can leave you with any advice, I would leave you with this, let the people around you love you by pushing you towards Christ and don’t ever believe the lie that your relationship with the Lord won’t be as “great” as it used to be. Our relationships with Him will only get better, even if you fall away, there is no measure and there is no earning of His love. Our Father is good, and He is faithful. He loves you and He gave His Son for you so that you could live in relationship with Him. You don’t go three steps back in your relationship with Christ, you fall down, and you let Him pick you back up and you keep walking forward. It’s always just one step at a time.

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