Long Distance Relationships

• SA Engages

February 15, 2021

In March of 2020, the world was turned upside down. I know you’ve probably heard that a million times, and despite the common difficulty we all navigated, each of us has a unique 2020 story we will never forget.

We all remember how it felt when the world first started shutting down, how it felt to be stuck inside with our family or roommates, the impending fear of a two-week vacation turning into months away from work, friends, and a normal routine. The world was filled with so much separation and loneliness that was so much deeper than we had ever experienced. During the lockdown, I, like many others was separated from my boyfriend of just a few months (spoiler alert: he’s now my fiancé, but we’ll get to that later).

At the start of quarantine, I was terrified of long distance. There was no necessary attachment. Heck, we’d only been together for 3 months! If things got hard, we would most likely break things off and take the long months of quarantine to recover. For many couples, this was the reality. Things got hard, physical distance created emotional distance, and breaking things off was the wisest and easiest option. I was not going to let this happen. Long distance ended up being one of the most challenging and fruitful experiences of my life.

When dating in person, it’s easy to get swept up into the dreaminess and excitement of being with each other. However, in long distance, a lot of the fluffy emotions are taken away, allowing you to see the true character and intentions of the other.

Author, Joe Pinsker, collected research findings and was able to share some wise guidelines to navigating long distance:

1. Communicate over a variety of platforms to make up for the constraints of each (and write letters, which can serve as nice physical reminders of the relationship).
2. Come up with a plan for how and when to have hard conversations.
3. Share small, mundane details and, when possible, everyday experiences, such as streaming a movie together.
4. Make time for both routine check-ins and spontaneous conversations.
5. Remember that living together might be an adjustment.

As soon as we stepped into long distance. My boyfriend and I started cooking up creative ways to express love despite a thousand miles of separation. We ended up sending dozens of letters, packages, and gifts. We perfected starting our movies on Netflix at the exact same time, even taking into consideration the FaceTime lag. We navigated hard discussions and arguments through phone calls and thorough conversations.

One thing we did differently than most is not having nightly FaceTime calls. Despite the countless tweets romanticizing falling asleep on FaceTime, we kept these face-to-face calls as our “date nights”. Limiting ourselves to only one FaceTime every few days, we were able to prioritize those few hours, and intentionally plan out conversations and activities for that time. We discovered our Hogwarts houses through Buzzfeed quizzes, shared childhood stories, and compared theological views. Over quarantine, we learned so much about how the other thought and operated.

Five months later, we were back on campus, together. Long distance was over, and I was nervous. I was flooded with insecurities of not living up to the idealized version of the girl in his phone he had fallen in love with. However, I was quickly relieved by a smooth transition.

While we were very different people coming back onto campus in the Fall of 2020, we were also a very different couple. Distance allowed for such expedited growth. We were able to navigate most areas of compatibility through our phone calls and late-night texts, allowing us to be reunited by a lot of attachment and vested interest.

Upon our reunion, we quickly realized things were getting very serious. The long-distance phone calls filled with daydreams, and hoping we had found the one, quickly morphed into objective conversations about marriage and life goals.

In November of 2020, he asked me to marry him, and I joined the flood of teary-eyed, engaged women, in your Instagram feed.

Do not get me wrong, long distance was hard. I would never choose to do it again, but I am beyond grateful for how we were able to handle and manage the situation for what it was. While it’s not for everyone, I believe there’s a way to navigate long distance through thorough, intentional, and healthy communication that results in a sustainable growing relationship upon reunion.

For those working through a long distance relationship, or about to start one, I would love to leave you with a few parting bits of advice.

1. Plan virtual date nights.
2. Brainstorm creative ways to communicate (i.e., letters, deliveries, LinkedIn DMs).
3. Focus on your autonomy.
4. Hard conversations over text almost always involve miscommunication, call instead.
5. Use your time wisely! Get to know the other person through online quizzes or conversation starter questions.

To all of my long-distance friends, enjoy every FaceTime, 8 ball tournament, and Netflix party date. In the end, through many tears and lonely nights, you’ll find distance really does make the heart grow fonder.

References:
https://bedbible.com/long-distance-relationship-statistics/

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