Created Differently: Researcher Speaks On Relational Needs

The Vines Center was filled with enthusiastic chatter during Convocation on Feb. 2 when author and researcher Shaunti Feldhahn stepped onto the stage to share the difference in relational needs between men and women.

Feldhahn began with a question directed towards the women, “How many of you heard a guy say that ‘we’re (men) really not that complicated’?”

To which she immediately followed with “that’s not true.” Feldhahn’s momentary pause exploded into women cheering in agreement with her statement. 

“It turns out there is so much more depth and complexity and vulnerability going on inside the men around us than we realize,” Feldhahn said. 

A similar question was asked towards the men in the room but asking them if they have ever felt as if women are too complicated to understand. To no surprise, Vines was once again filled with applause and cheer —  except now from the men. However, Feldhahn answers this question with four simple words: “that’s not true either.” 

“It turns out that both of us (men and women) … grow up with these assumptions about how somebody thinks, and on top of those assumptions, we’ve built habits,” Feldhahn said. “I’m here to tell you that based on 17 years of research with over 35,000 men and women … some of our assumptions are wrong.”

According to Feldhahn, these wrong assumptions affect relationships including family, friends and couples every day without any of them being aware of it. 

Feldhahn is known for her two books “For Women Only” and “For Men Only.” These books rely on research as the foundation and take on the challenge to help both sexes understand each other better. Although both books incorporate a Christian worldview, Feldhahn structured them to serve as a learning curve for anyone with any or no religious background.

She stressed that her one job at Convocation was to bring students information that will save their marriages in advance.

The first thing Feldhahn wants students to recognize is that men and women are inherently different.

One common theme that her research has unveiled about heartaches and tension within relationships is that men and women tend to have two different sets of primary insecurities. Ultimately, this means that what hurts one’s feelings is different from what hurts another’s. For women, they want to feel loved for who they are on the inside, but for men, they want to feel appreciated for what they do on the outside.

These present a set of primary needs for men and women that are not alike.

Feldhahn says that for women to soothe the insecurity in men, they should send the positive message of “thank you.” It can be as simple as saying “thank you” to the man that held the door open. 

For men to soothe the insecurity in women, they should send the positive message through signals, reminding them each day that they are loved. A signal could be as straightforward as saying, “I really enjoyed our time together.”  Men are encouraged to recognize the power they have to provide that reassurance.

“Now, obviously we most need to get that sense of reassurance from the Lord,” Feldhahn said. “But God has put us into each other’s lives for a purpose.”

Graduate student Ozzy Wei said he respected the way Feldhahn presented her research to the students.

“I admire Shaunti’s boldness to approach such a touchy subject in front of thousands of college students,” Wei said. “I appreciated the awareness she had of speaking of generalizations and not claiming that everything applied to everyone.”

Freshman Mckenna Reardon said Feldhahn’s message challenged her to view people around her differently. 

“I really enjoyed Shaunti’s message because it provided a different perspective on relationships that we’ve never discussed at Convo,” Reardon said. “I think her message taught us how to better serve the people around us and make them
feel appreciated.”

For more information on Feldhahn, students can visit shaunti.com. Her books “For Women Only” and “For Men Only” are available to purchase on platforms such as Amazon and Barnes
and Noble.

SHANK is the Editor-in-Chief. Follow her on Twitter