Linda Mintle discusses how people can settle disputes in a healthy manner
Friends collide — According to Dr. Linda Mintle, refusing to address the problem in a relationship does nothing to deflate the tension growing between two people. Photo credit: Courtney Russo
When Dr. Linda Mintle talks about conflict, there is one story she always likes to tell first. The story involves her husband, Dr. Norman Mintle, dean of the School of Communication & Creative Arts.
“It was early in our marriage,” Linda Mintle said. “He came from a family that avoided conflict, and I came from a family that was loud, intense and passionate. We confronted head on.”
While Linda Mintle does not remember the exact cause of the argument, the emotions involved are still fresh in her mind.
“We were in our apartment in Chicago and I was coming at him so intensely, because I was going to get this thing resolved, and he didn’t want anything to do with it because of the way I was responding,” Linda Mintle said. “He wanted to avoid the problem.”
Of course, avoiding the problem did not help either of them, she said.
“I continued to rant, ‘I need to talk to you,’” Linda Mintle said. “He said that he was not talking to me when I was in such a wound-up state.”
Linda Mintle explained that this situation seems to be a pretty normal one for many couples. There is a pursuer and a distancer pattern. One runs after the person, and the other does his best to avoid. People bring into relationships what they know or learn from their original families.
“Now our conflict interactions no longer look anything like that,” Linda Mintle said. “The good news is that you can change. You’re not a victim of whatever you
grew up with.”
Yet, how do people change how they handle conflict? In her new book, “We Need to Talk,” releasing in March, Linda Mintle shows readers how to do just that and gives them the tools to do it successfully.
First, Linda Mintle suggests that an individual needs to know his or her “style” of handling conflict. People can find their primary style by taking the free self-assessment on her website, drlindamintle.com
For some people, it is avoidance.“You can ignore conflict,” Linda Mintle said. “But eventually it catches up to you.”
Avoiding conflict can also make a person resentful.
“There is research to show that there are negative physical repercussions of conflict avoidance on the body,” Linda Mintle said. “Isn’t that interesting, because we know that scripture tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger.”
Linda Mintle said that though avoiding problems feels good for the moment, it does come back to hurt the individual in the end.
She also points out that some people need to tone their intensity down, which was something that she had to learn. Intensity can be OK, but too much of it makes it difficult for some people to listen.
“The way you talk about an issue determines the way it’s going to go,” Linda Mintle said. “If you start defensively, it’s not going to go anywhere.”
Linda Mintle said people should not be afraid of conflict, because it is a normal part of every relationship. What matters is how people handle it.
“It’s important to learn how to deal with conflict,” she said. “You’re going to have conflict with your friends, in the dorm, with your boss or professor, your spouse and basically anyone with whom you do life.”
According to Linda Mintle, students can begin to train themselves by becoming more mindful of their behavior when a conflict presents and then look at scripture.
“Dealing with conflict well comes back to self-control and the fruit of the spirit,” Linda Mintle said. “The more you are filled with the love of Christ, the more those fruit are going to operate in your life. Then, pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help you make necessary changes.”
Walsh is a feature reporter.