Friends With My Exes
November 9, 2020
On October 9thI celebrated my 22ndbirthday and got a plethora of messages from high school and college friends, relatives, coworkers, camp friends, and even a few people I did not really know or remember (your memory gets rather hazy as you age). But at two separate times throughout the day, I had lengthy Facetime calls with girls I once dated or went out on dates with. They were not awkwardly compelled to text me just to keep up social niceties, we are in regular contact with one another. Numerous people have described this dynamic between my exes and myself as being “odd”, or “peculiar”, or even “counter-cultural”. But for me, it seems like a logical conclusion rather than an exception.
If I liked being around them enough at one point to ask them out and go on dates with them, then it should make logical sense that I would like being around them even when we are not going on dates. The old mantra of “date your best friend” reigns true, but I also believe in the mantra of “some friends are just meant to be friends”. While we each may have had fun on our dates during the time where we were trying to turn a friendship into a relationship, we also realized that some things are just not meant to be, and that’s okay. Our breaking up did not have to mean that we could no longer be in each other’s lives.
The key to being friends with your exes after a break up is to not say anything bad about them to anyone else. Hold them in high esteem in your mind and treat them with dignity. Many break ups completely torch the possibility of a friendship rising from the ashes due to one or both parties mouthing off to their friends about how much the other person sucked.
Without any ill will spread after a break up, there is basically nothing keeping you from being friends except the fear of awkwardness, which can be mended by group hangouts and little texts here and there. Awkwardness is fine to have, but we fear it with the very fiber of our beings. If we simply weathered through that storm we would likely find a new normalcy of friendship on the other side. Yes, you may not talk as much, and yes, your conversations will look significantly different, but it is better to have different communication than no communication at all.
This process of becoming just friends, after once being something more, can take time but it is possible. Of course there are situations where it is not recommended that you try to still be in contact (use discernment and know your situation), and sometimes the hurt caused by the other person can be grueling, but this is where forgiveness comes in. It can take time to forgive someone after they hurt you, and that’s okay, but your aim should be forgiveness nonetheless; a crockpot forgiveness and a microwave forgiveness are both precious.
I’m not in regular contact with everyone I have ever liked or gone on dates with, and that is fine. I am thankful for the few I stay in touch with, because they add to my life even if our relationship did not last. With the established connection we already have from when we went on dates, we each are able to be that much more honest and vulnerable with one another, providing insight into each other’s lives, and experienced critique to help each other in our future relationships. Exes are blessings if we can maturely handle a change in relationship dynamic, and still see value in people and friendships despite breaking up.
Written by: Landen Swain
Landen believes the human experience longs to be expressed; through our art, our labor, our songs, our storytelling. As a published playwright, author, and poet, he enjoys expressing his little chapter of the human experience through his writings and is thankful that the SA blog allows him to do that. He is published in numerous magazines, literary journals, and has several plays published by Off the Wall Plays, an online play publishing house.