Column: Super Bowl LIV commercials ranked
It took 50 years, but the Kansas City Chiefs are back. Back on the national stage and back with the Lombardi Trophy in their hands. Super Bowl 54 has come and gone, and there’s a new champion of the NFL.
But now we have to settle the real championship that captivates more Americans every year than any football game ever could – the battle for corporations to shell out millions of dollars to make an absurd impression on our minds for 30 seconds. (Yes, I’m ranking Super Bowl ads. You know this is why you’re here.)
As the cranky armchair marketing expert that I am, I’m going to rank these ads on a 10-point scale like an Olympic diving competition. I expect nothing less than perfection at all times.
So which moments of madness threaded the needle like an inch-perfect Patrick Mahomes pass, and which ones tanked like everything about the 49ers second-half performance? Let’s find out.
Most Confusing Attempt at an Infomercial: The very first award of the day goes to new kid on the block Quibi for a quite frankly baffling ad that left me scratching my head. Apparently Quibi is a new streaming service for episodes of 10 minutes or less – but we wouldn’t know it from that plotless bank heist executed like an “Ocean’s Eleven” that replaces the flawless Danny Ocean with Danny DeVito. Final rating: 2.72.
Trainwreck of the Night: Genesis tries to flaunt its coolness with a tiresome script straight out of a Transformers film – and it falls flat on its face. Uninspiring performances from John Legend and Chrissy Teigen left me wanting to never buy a Genesis. Ever. Worst ad of the night. Final rating: 1.81.
Stupidest Ad That Somehow Still Works: Did MC Hammer come off as somewhat corny appearing in various guises to absolve the ad’s Cheetos-covered protagonist of responsibility? Absolutely. But the simplistic concept grabbed my attention and drew laughs around the room I was in – and I won’t be forgetting the sight of MC Hammer superimposed onto a baby’s body anytime soon. Final rating: 7.28.
Most Bizarre Alternate Reality: You’ve always wanted a stroller to bring your avocados around town with you, right? Maybe a helmet to protect them from danger? Right? All right, maybe not. Avocados from Mexico sent us for a 30-second rollercoaster ride of confusion that never seemed to have an objective beyond guacamole-related chaos. If that was their goal, I guess they succeeded. But I don’t want to see an avocado in a baby carrier ever again. Final rating: 5.23.
Most Conflicting Ad of the Night: We all know who this is going to. “Old Town Road” needs to stay in 2019 where it belongs, never to bother any of us again with its ridiculous country trap beats. But as much as I hate to say it, Lil Nas X made me laugh. So I guess Doritos wins this one – but I refuse to allow it. “I ain’t dancin’.” Final rating: 2.00 (but also 8.91).
Most Wholesome Movie in Advertisement Form: My tear ducts started behaving strangely halfway through Google’s ad yesterday. I watch ads like Benedict Cumberbatch’s stony-faced Sherlock Holmes, emotionally detached from everything taking place on-screen, but Google almost broke me. Sure, it was really showing just how detailed Google’s data mining on our private lives really is – but if they keep justifying it to me like that, I don’t know how I can do anything but concede. Final rating: 9.42.
Best 60-Second Comedy: Two words: “smaht pahk.” Hyundai takes home the prize (that I just arbitrarily created) of Champion Super Bowl Ad of the Year with a simple recipe: actor chemistry. Patrick Mahomes may have stolen the show in the big game Sunday night, but Captain America and Jim Halpert combine in 60 seconds of New England-flavored banter to take the throne as the true heroes of Super Bowl Sunday. Someone cast John Krasinski in a movie with Chris Evans already so we can get more of this. Final rating: 9.63.
If you think I bungled any of these calls as badly as the referees in the NFC championship last year, feel free to challenge my ratings by blowing up my Twitter @john_nekrasov. Just like the NFL, I probably won’t do anything about it – but hey, we’ll both be satisfied.
Nekrasov is a copy editor. Follow his work on Twitter.