Opinion: How to sit in grief with those who have lost family members

“God has a plan.” 

“You’ll see your saved loved ones again in Heaven.”

These are the phrases tossed to people whose parents have died. Although they are all true, they do little to help an aching heart.  

A little less than a month ago, Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper’s conversation on Cooper’s 360 show made headlines for their insightful and emotional discussion of their parents’ deaths.

Both men were 10 years old when their fathers died, according to an article from the Huffington Post. Colbert lost his father and brothers in the same plane accident. In June, Cooper’s mother, Gloria Vanderbilt, died.

Still fresh in his grief, Cooper questioned Colbert’s assertion that even the terrible grief of losing a parent is a gift from God. 

“It is a gift to exist and with existence comes suffering,” Colbert said. “There’s no escaping that.”

There is no escaping grief. There are few who would deny that, yet there seems to be this instinct among Christians to paint over terrible pain with a spiritual bandage. 

We must not be so quick to point out the truth of God’s abounding love that we forget to acknowledge the truth of another human being’s bitter pain.

Two years ago, on July 4, Liberty University graduate student and former Liberty Champion staffer Lilli Abbatacola and her family were on vacation. As she headed out onto the lake, she passed her parents kayaking, laughter on their lips. 

When she came back, her father Marc Abbatacola had experienced a heart attack. He passed away.

The circumstances of her father’s death left Lilli struggling with anxiety, depression and PTSD. 

“I have a hard time being vulnerable with the people close to me,” Lilli said. 

Yet Lilli feels most loved when people take the time to ask her about her dad, even if they’re afraid to bring up sad memories. She said her favorite memory of her father is his smile, which she said radiated from deep within his soul and left her feeling his warmth. 

“It’s almost like when you discipline a child, you love them so much you’re going to make it awkward for five minutes,” Lilli said about asking someone about the family member they lost.

She said Christians should ask someone suffering from loss about their loved one who passed away instead of reasoning them out of their grief. 

Lilli noted that Christians should also understand that church events aren’t immune from causing a resurgence of grief. For Lilli, although she acknowledges their truth, worship songs are particularly hard.

“Death does have a sting,” she said, referring to the lyrics of many worship songs. “Sometimes the grave does still have a hold on me.” 

Lilli appreciates the friends who pick up on things that might trigger her grief and text her to make sure she’s okay. 

Because grief doesn’t just go away. When someone has been a part of your life, they never stop being a part of your life. 

“Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those
who weep,” (Romans 12:15).

Helping someone heal from grief doesn’t mean forcing them to rejoice. Often it means sitting with them in the depths of their anguish and mourning with them as they walk back toward rejoicing. 

There’s no need to rush someone out of suffering. Grief is inevitable, but for a Christian, joy is guaranteed even in the midst of it.

3 comments

  • Abby, you have a wonderful gift of feelings. I think your thoughts are perfect. Love, grandma

  • Our family grieved deeply over the loss of Marc Abbatacola and now the death of the father in another family. My heart breaks right along with these precious people that are suffering so deeply. I think we need to remember that their grief goes on long after that loss fades from the forefront of our minds. We need to strive to acknowledge and be with people in these times and work hard not to just move on and forget them. Reach out months and years later to support those who gone thru such a tragic loss – let them know you care and realize they are still in pain. The pat answers just don’t help – bring them words of comfort from God’s Word and let them know you want to continue to walk with them thru their pain no matter how rocky that journey may be.

  • Lilli, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad’s passing. I knew your dad back in the 80’s…in the Air Force…we had some really great times. What you said about his laugh…brought back great memories. I came across the news about his death on the ROMAD locator, it is such a shame.
    I can tell you this…all of my memories of him…we were laughing. I just wanted to let you know your dad touched many lives.

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