Opinon: My lifelong hero is accused of abusing minors, and I’m still trying to process it

When I first heard of the HBO documentary “Leaving Neverland,” I found every excuse not to watch it. Michael Jackson was found “not guilty” of sexual assault. In my mind at first, there was no way the accusations against him could be credible.

When I listened to a New York Times podcast, “The Daily,” explain the credibility of the victims, I still made excuses. If these people had been assaulted, they should have shared their stories sooner, I told myself. Why did they wait until 10 years after Jackson died to make this documentary, eliminating any chance for the accused to defend himself?

When I finally sat down and watched “Leaving Neverland,” I still made excuses for Jackson. I saw that he never had a real childhood due to his celebrity status, making him more immature as an adult. Maybe he had a mental illness and did not know his actions were wrong.

But now, having watched the four-hour documentary twice, I am confronted with the brutal, almost unbearable truth I had willfully avoided. The greatest musical icon I know, and my personal hero, sexually abused young boys for over a decade.

I do not like writing in first person. I’ve been told by journalistic instructors and English professors it diminishes the quality of my work. But my experience with Michael Jackson is so subjective, and so personal, that it seems fitting to share my love-hate relationship with the King of Pop.

It’s hard to forget the first time seeing a Michael Jackson performance. For me, it was in my grandparents living room, watching a DVD containing several of Jackson’s most popular music videos. His voice, his dancing, his entire aura was unique and sensational. I could not take my eyes away.

I sat in my living room with my mom and brother, watching a replay of Jackson’s 1993 Super Bowl Halftime performance. When children flooded to the stage as Jackson sang his single, “Heal the World,” I was amazed by the universal love he conveyed.

At the time, I didn’t understand why my mom physically cringed when Jackson began mingling with the children, holding their hands and putting his arms on their shoulders while he sang. I could not comprehend why she didn’t appreciate when Jackson said, “No one should have to suffer, especially our children.” 

Now, I understand.

“Leaving Neverland” tells the story of Wade Robson and James Safechuck, two men who knew Michael Jackson from their early childhood years. Robson first met Jackson at age 5, after winning a dance competition that awarded him the opportunity to meet Jackson at one of his shows. Safechuck was a child actor and met Jackson on the set of a Pepsi commercial the two starred in together.

Jackson befriended the two young boys, flying them around the world with him. He brought them on stage to dance with him at his shows and ate dinner with them and their families.

He also slept over with them in their bedrooms, invited them for sleepovers at his houses and, according to the two, sexually assaulted them from age 7 to 14. 

Watching the film, I was forced to reexamine all the excuses I made for Jackson. The details the two shared of their relationships with Jackson are compelling. Perhaps the most striking moment of the film comes when Safechuck explains he and Jackson exchanged marriage vows in his bedroom. Jackson gave him a wedding ring, which he still possesses and showed to the camera in the film.

I do not believe that Jackson’s mistakes were the result of a mental illness. Jackson clearly understood what he did was wrong. He groomed the boys, telling them they could never tell anyone about what was happening. He drilled them on getting dressed quickly and silently in case they were
ever interrupted.

Much like Robson and Safechuck, I have struggled to process this understanding of who Jackson was and what he did. Both victims expressed love for Jackson, even now, and told of their sadness when he
died in 2008.

I still have Michael Jackson songs saved to my Spotify account, and I don’t skip them when they come up in my queue. I still hear his influence in the music of Brittany Spears, Justin Timberlake and Bruno Mars, who started his career as a Jackson impersonator. To me, Jackson is still the greatest dancer I have ever seen.

As I examine my relationship to my hero, I am reminded of the disappointment that will inevitably come when I place my faith in human heroes. Whether it be a musician, athlete, politician or even personal friend, I cannot let myself unequivocally support them and ignore their mistakes or sins.

Most importantly, I have learned to never run away from reality, even when it dramatically shifts my views of someone I have admired my whole life, and in some ways still do. Some will never accept that Jackson abused children, and many will refuse to see “Leaving Neverland” for that reason. But as every excuse I made for Michael Jackson came crashing down, I was left with the view of a talented, severely flawed man who will never be erased from the history books, but whose legacy will forever be stained.