Liberty Announces Construction Plans for a Wall to Keep out East Campus Students
In an unprecedented push for campus security, Liberty University has announced new plans to build a 40-foot wall along east campus to stop what university administrators have called the “mass influx of disorderly students.”
Since the completion of the second bridge connecting East Campus with central and south campus, there has been a large increase in the number of East Campus students migrating to Main Campus.
“Something has to be done about it,” one student from the Commons said, who is in favor of the wall. “The East Campus students come over here and take our spots at the library, they make the line at Starbucks longer and they take all of our scholarship money even though none of them actually work hard or go to class.”
The administration has reasoned in the past that students from East Campus are “delinquents” and “assailants.” Many administrators have come forward to publicly say that they believe East Campus students stay out past curfew, wear shorts to class and commonly make excessive noise in the Reading Room of the library. This is despite there being no verified statistics to back up these claims.
“I heard from a friend that East Campus students sometimes smuggle in vape pens, and I know for a fact that they illegally trade Flames Passes so non-students can get into the Rot,” another student from the Hill said. “It’s not in the Liberty Way to let these kinds of people onto our campus.”
LUPD officers will be stationed at many points along the wall to ensure East Campus students do not sneak onto campus through Liberty’s transit system. University officials say East Campus students will be forced to pay for the wall with their own Flames Cash.
“The joke’s on them,” one East Campus student said. “I bought 87 Chick-fil-A milkshakes the first week into the semester. There’s no way I have any more Flames Cash.”
When asked if the wall is just a political move to appease more conservative donors, one administrator said that Liberty is inclusive of all political beliefs.
“We invited Bernie Sanders to Convocation, remember?” the administrator said. “That means we can do whatever we want and people can’t accuse us of being right-wing zealots.”
With the construction of the wall, university administrators say they hope to see a large decline in the number of “unwanted student migrations.” It is set to be constructed at the beginning of the fall 2018 semester.
April Fools Day
ROFLOL! April Fools!
Very funny Mother of an East student