Column: When You’re in a Pickle, Call Your Friend

When it comes to friends, most of us have a friend that we call the “best.” Best friends are usually the ones who know our worst secrets and keep them, and we know theirs. When you’re in a pickle, they’re the ones who come to help you out.

Today, I want to talk about pickles. I was going to talk about friends, but then I said ‘in a pickle,’ and I started wondering how someone would get into a vegetable suspended in vinegar, and how they would also get out. What I’m saying is, the English language has some weird sayings. I’m going to list off my favorites and explain how I think they came into being.

(Note: English majors probably shouldn’t cite this as a scholarly source.)

  1. “Caught in a pickle.” Pickles are what happens when someone decides they want cucumbers in the winter months and fails terribly. Thus, when your pregnant wife wants cucumbers in December and you only have pickles, you are in a pickle.
  2. “Eating Crow.” This phrase is synonymous with “Eating Humble Pie.” It means to be humbled. I cannot think of anything more humbling than going out to hunt for a turkey and bringing home a crow for Thanksgiving.
  3. “Mad as a Hatter.” Propaganda is a terrible thing, used for centuries to ruin people. “Alice in Wonderland” did just that with the Mad Hatter character. After that, people who made hats were all assumed to be crazy. It’s understandable, though. Who wants to make hats for a living?
  4. “Happy as a sand boy.” This one is British, but you have to admit it teases the mind. What is a sand boy? How happy is he? A sand boy is obviously a snowman made out of wet sand, with a smile carved into his face to keep him happy as his feet begin to erode out from under him.
  5. “Raining Cats and Dogs.” This one is a classic, and a tough one. Obviously, this one has a backstory. I believe this saying came from the time of the Mongol invasions, where Mongols would catapult diseased cats and dogs over the walls of cities to bring them down from the inside. (This might be a good time to mention that I have not, and never will, get more than a C in any History class.)

Now, of course, you’re wondering what I was going to say about friends. I’m not one to tease, and cliffhangers annoy me to no end. So, allow me to summarize my thoughts on friends.

Friends are necessary because people are idiots. This obviously includes me (see above). Friends do something that no other relationship does: they tell you when you’re being stupid in the most unbiased way possible, because they love you. A true friend would tell me that the above 356-word non-sequitur is a terrible idea and should be replaced with a column about friendship.

But I am going to ignore that friend, because this column serves as a good lesson. Oftentimes, God gives us certain relationships because he knows those relationships will help us stay focused on him, and not ramble about pickles and Thanksgiving. This column serves as a written example of what happens when you don’t stay focused. When you can’t stay focused, your main message suffers for it. (Usually. Mine doesn’t because I’m just that good.)

So, friends, you know your job now. Your friend is reading this column to you, just to distract himself from the task at hand. Get him back to work. Don’t be like me. Pass your History and English classes.

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