May 4, 2010

Middle-Eastern Makeover

by Tim Mattingly

Blood-flecked sands bedazzle the beards of Israel’s enemies in the Middle East. Bulging hate-filled eyes, becrowned by tightly-wound turbans and quite often unibrows, are fixed upon the holy land like hungry lions.  

And while we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, a cover is a good indicator of what is inside.  So, maybe it is time for a Middle Eastern makeover. It’s going to be fabulous.

First off, let us deal with that disgusting gore-matted beard look (so last year, yuck).  In an attempt to wipe the crusted blood from the frothing maw of hate, new Israeli peace talks are being discussed, according to the Associated Press (AP).

Searching for solutions to their beard crisis, Middle Eastern nations are calling on the historically fashion-forward United States of America to kick off these indirect peace talks, according to the AP. 

But it is going to take more than foreign-affairs fashionista and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to calm the raging squirrels in the Middle East.  A big snag on the catwalk toward peace is Israeli housing and settlements. 

“Israel needs to choose between peace and settlements,” Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erekat said, according to the AP.

But don’t get your turban twisted so fast, girlfriend, and get your hand out of that cookie jar, because we both know Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is going to smack it (he’s such a diva).  What Erekat and the Palestinian people need to do is just let their turbans down, to reveal those truly luxurious curls we know they are hiding and just shake the hate out.

Besides, Netanyahu is not completely without reason. While he agreed to slow down West Bank construction, he said Israel will not budge on construction in Jerusalem, according to Fox News.  But an Israeli insider said that Netanyahu is just playing up the “bad boy” image and despite his words is, in fact, temporarily slowing down construction in Jerusalem, according to Fox News.

Over the years, robes have been rustled the wrong way on both sides of the conflict, causing tension and tingling.  But now is the time to just relax, so loosen up those robes and accessorize the Middle East with peace.

Which brings us to our next fashion emergency — the “brow of terror.”

Depending on genetics, especially in the Middle East, unibrows have the potential to look a lot like a bomb.  How can we expect peace if every morning Middle Eastern people wake up and the first thing they see in the mirror is an explosion — did somebody say tweezer party?

America knows how to tweeze, as made exceedingly evident by Michelle Obama’s eyebrows.  So it is time we take the knowledge imparted upon us by the First Lady, using it to pluck the hate and violence out of the Middle East.  

But some “bomb-brows” are thicker than others, such as those belonging to Iranian President and total drama-queen Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Seen as a special case, the Iranian president came to the United States on Sunday to talk about “eyebrow” proliferation.  Historically reluctant to tweeze, Ahmadinejad originally tried deflecting the America’s fashion advice, stating that the United States “is the only country to have used the atomic bomb in a military conflict,” according to CNN.

While Ahmadinejad’s statement is true, Americans also used to wear parachute pants.  The point is that we all make mistakes and President Barack Obama already announced our non-nuclear retaliation stance (he’s so fierce).

Besides, if a nation cannot control something as small as its eyebrows, how can it be expected to control its nukes?  By eyebrow law, the United States can handle the responsibility and Iran cannot.  Furthermore, America is not a threat for nuclear warfare. It just is not in style anymore — it is too 1945 for our taste.

In the wise words of Tim Gunn, we have to make it work in the Middle East because if we cannot find a solution, we can say “auf wiedersehen” to peace.  But this is not Project Runway and when we depart from the fashionable realm of global harmony, we will not receive a kiss from Heidi Klum but the embrace of death.

Contact Tim Mattingly at

tmattingly@liberty.edu.


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