Dec 8, 2009

Santa fights off the swine flu

by Tim Mattingly

Snot-wielding children are set to clash this Christmas with Kris Kringle, in a deadly holiday struggle. In this conflict, Santa certainly has a weight advantage and the option to deliver painful seasonal greetings via a stocking stuffed with coal. But this Christmas, children have a secret weapon on their side — swine flu.

Once-friendly malls are now morphing into swine-flu battlefields, as the holiday traffic starts to swell like Santa’s belly. Not only do the children insurgents far outnumber Kanakaloka (as they say in Hawaii) but his obesity puts him at greater risk to contract H1N1, according to Santa America News.

As the holiday season progresses, the Santa Claus swine-flu threat level increases.

“I have heard across the country numerous Santas who have actually had the swine flu,” President of the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas (AORBS) Nicholas Trolli said, according to CBN News. “But I have not heard reports back of any of our Santas being able to get the swine flu shot as of yet.”

Not only could H1N1 smack the beard clean off that jolly old elf’s face, but if Santas around the world succumb to the sickness, then Christmas could be in the collateral. This Christmas conflict could affect and potentially infect everyone.

It starts when children infect Santa, who in turn contaminates more children, who go into stores with their parents, touching everything in sight. Come Christmas morning, innocent little bright-eyed Susie dashes downstairs to open her presents. Her fingers feverishly fight their way through the wrapping paper, revealing power tools from dad, kitchen appliances from mom, a my-size pony from Santa and, oh yeah, the swine flu.

Susie’s pure little heart was naïve to her fellow classmates’ terrorist swine-flu attacks on Santa, yet she was still dragged into the conflict. The previous night Susie had sung Christmas carols and painted her little fingernails in the colors of the season. But at morning’s first light, she infected her entire family with swine flu.

This is a true story, it just has not happened yet.

Little Susie Swine Flu teaches us that the chain of H1N1 violence must be broken before it is too late. Realizing this, the Santa America News is calling for peace and for everyone to “santa-tize” themselves regularly and sneeze into their sleeves.

In reality, the real enemy is the swine flu, and the multitudes of disease-carrying children are merely H1N1’s unknowing little helpers. So, until every house can deck its halls with vaccines, it is important that we do our part save Santa and Susie this Christmas. To stay healthy during the holidays, simply “santa-tize” and refrain from sneezing on nearby beards.

Contact Tim Mattingly at

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