Mar 24, 2009

Washington D.C. invaded by leprechauns

by Tim Mattingly

Devilish leprechauns have overrun the nation’s capital. If gone unchecked, their cunning and mischievous shenanigans could bring about the country’s downfall. And to make matters worse, we ourselves sent the leprechauns to Washington. They are the handpicked, elected public officials who now run America.

The process of lepre-conning the capital begins with politician’s jig, accompanied by the promise for a better future and sweeter tomorrow. It is a familiar song and dance taken straight from the playbook of Lucky Charms. Commercials for this deceiving cereal feature a little leprechaun singing, “Hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons. Pots of gold and rainbows and me red balloons.”
This catchy little ditty is one that is sung far too often by politicians, with every word and phrase sugar-coated for the public. Most of the time Americans are only fed the sweet “marshmallows” of a bill or law being voted on.

On occasion some politician will try to convince the public that their brand of “Lucky Charms” are better or cheaper. But in the end, they are both the same.

After Americans buy what the politicians are selling, they discover the delicious marshmallows only account for 10 percent of the entire “cereal bowl.” By the time people realize that the rest of a bill tastes like cardboard, it is too late to change.

There is nothing “lucky” or “charming” about $165 million of taxpayer’s money disappearing due to AIG corporate bonuses. But now it is too late and any attempt to pour everything back into the cereal box would only result in a bigger mess.

Politicians are great at painting red, white and blue rainbows that all lead to a “pot o’ gold” for Americans. But like leprechauns, political promises have a way of disappearing. As soon as the public takes its eyes off the elected official or gives them an inch of wiggle room, they will scamper off into the shadows of Washington.

In one such recent scampering, certain leprechauns took it upon themselves to change the fine print on a multi-billion dollar (and previously mentioned) bailout document at the last moment. Thus, an insurance giant’s (AIG) top executives got to line their pockets with some American money.

But honestly, this little political pot of gold gone awry should come as no surprise to Americans. After all, leprechauns are not only good at disappearing themselves, but another favorite trick is making money vanish as well. When caught in a bind, these wee rascals try to distract people with their charm and a shiny gold coin bribe to save their own skin. But as soon as the leprechaun is safe, the gold mysteriously disappears.

So, saving the economy could be considered a rather large pot of gold at the end of the red, white and blue rainbow. The elected leprechauns promise to bring Americans to the rainbow’s end. But somewhere along the way, politicians drop a shiny little gold coin to stabilize a bank, which in turn will stabilize the world’s economy. As America is part of the world, it shall also be stabilized, according to leading leprechaun theorists.

Well, America bent right over and snatched up that shiny gold coin, which just so happened to disappear.

Luckily, Irish folklore can teach Americans how to deal with their leprechaun problem — threaten violent bodily harm. Unfortunately, the nation’s judicial system frowns upon such action, regardless of whether the politician deserves it or not. But American voters can still hit them where it politically hurts — in the ballot.

Ultimately, America’s economic bowl needs to be full of marshmallows — marshmallows that were promised and not delivered. Until that day comes, it will be open season on leprechauns in Washington.

Contact Tim Mattingly at
tmattingly@liberty.edu. 


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