Apr 25, 2006

Column: The Funny Thing Is...

by Aaron Bennett

I’m vacuuming the rug in my dorm room for the second time this year – not calendar year mind you – school year.  The drudgery of this exercise is bringing me to near exhaustion and it’s making me yearn for marriage more than ever … heh heh, just kidding. 

Why, you may ask, am I taking time from my iTunes-downloading schedule to fight with this sputtering, archaic, motorized dust trap?  Two words, baby.  Open dorms.  And besides, I can’t spend all my time waiting for Bosc’s new CD to come out.

Open dorms in the spring feels a little like a Donald Miller fan at a Beth Moore conference – slightly out of place.  For example, it is all cute and fun to show off my room when my 14 by 10 foot. slice of heaven is ablaze with as many Christmas lights as I could afford (think Chevy Chase in “Christmas Vacation”).  However, forcing me to open my door to feminine scrutiny in the home stretch of the semester is just plain cruel.  But here’s the upswing – the girls have just raided Wal-Mart’s cookie aisle.  I’m making it my personal mission that their effort hasn’t gone to waste.  A friend of mine told me we have our current SGA president Chris Gaumer to thank for this new “perk.”  Well, since hair code has yet to change, it’s good to know our president has been up to something.

I would never mean to criticize our current SGA president.  I know him too well.  In fact, our entire hall knows “Chivo,” as he is fondly referred to, pretty well.  You see, our dorm is located directly above the SGA offices.  This year during our first hall meeting, we received a guest visit from the president.  While it may not have been his birthday, that is certainly the “suit” Chris Gaumer was wearing as he scurried down the hall. 

Alas, Chivo’s time is passing as a brand new president has now been elected.  Congratulations Mr. Cooley.  I’ve always been a big fan.  By the way, I’ve got some parking tickets I’d like to discuss with you.  But, I digress.  President Cooley’s recent election gave me pause to consider, “Exactly what does Liberty look for in a student body president?”  The first rule is obvious.  In fact, the door of the president’s office must look very similar to my so-called best friend’s 3rd grade tree house:  “NO GEEKS ALLOWED.”  Dang that Justin Simpson!  I like tree houses, too.

Also, we like our presidents to be just a little rebellious.  Is your hair just a bit too long?  That’s okay!  Spike it up, or tie on a bandana.  You’ve definitely got my vote. The real clincher to getting elected is the posters.  No slogans or tag lines necessary.  Just the candidate’s face, blown up to gigantic proportions.

Find someone really gifted in Art Deco, and you’re a shoe-in.  Both Nate Cooley and Chris Gaumer’s campaign managers have turned Andy Warhol into the political equivalent of Karl Rove.

The final thing to remember – we like you to take the job seriously, but not too seriously.  When you’re making campaign promises, shoot for the moon.  We don’t have to buy it, but everyone loves to dream.  Promise us chocolate chips in the dining hall and softer toilet paper.  When you shoot for the moon, you just might hit the stars.  And who knows?  We might even end up with Spring Open Dorms.  However, I would prefer a new vacuum cleaner.

I’ll be back next week with more Star Wars speculations.  And if you’re lucky, chocolate chips in the dining hall.

Contact Aaron Bennett at jabennett@liberty.edu.

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