Nov 3, 2009

Global cooling: it’s for real this time

by Chris Scott

To the House Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming: Congressmen, please heed the call — whimsical Mother Nature has betrayed us, for the tides they are a-changin’. As you may already know, a slew of studies revealed at the recent UN World Climate Conference in Geneva confirmed a significant drop in global tropospheric temperatures due to changes in oceanic cycles. In addition, all four major global temperature tracking outlets have released data indicating that temperatures have dropped significantly over the last year.

Global cooling is upon us and the hour of our doom is rapidly approaching. We must negotiate our fate with this vindictive earth (on which we are but mere maggots) by moving swiftly and sharply to undo the misbehavior of oceanic cycles, thereby avoiding a global freezing catastrophe.

On the cause of these changes in oceanic cycling, I can only speculate. My sincere colleague and friend Al Gore has suggested American motor boats in the Pacific, but is still in the process of producing his latest documentary, which (on top of being a sure-fire commercial success) will undoubtedly enlighten us all.

In the meantime, I suggest a complete reversal of the proposed Cap and Trade Bill and an eradication of energy standards as to allow a sharp increase in carbon emissions. This step will break holes in the ozone layer and provide us with the spike in temperature we need to prevent a global freeze.

We must work adamantly in all conceivable ways to melt ice glaciers and slow the progression of this dire process. Since our esteemed colleagues have made it profusely clear in the past that nearly all consumer-driven utilizations of the environment are directly linked to global warming, we must now make clear the need for those very things. Print flyers, conduct meetings — do what must be done to spread the message of rapid and continual consumption of natural resources so that we can stimulate the ecosystem into climatic change.

My proposed Eco-Stimuli Plan (as some of my colleagues have now taken favor in calling it) will deploy thousands of skilled lumberjacks (the next generation of green job workers) to Venezuelan green lands and untouched Appalachian regions to push back rain forests, thus reducing carbon dioxide intake from the trees and creating eco-friendly greenhouse gases.

The plan features an $878 billion omnibus package that will go straight into the coffers of those competitive businesses (once thought evil) that have a penchant for needlessly exhausting the earth’s resources. We must now depend on those businesses for our very survival. It is as if the far left human environmental advocacy paradigm has been flipped entirely upside down.
Human ingenuity is now the cure of this earth’s synthetic ills.

We must inform the members of the media of the depravity of our circumstance. Although at first hesitant to admit, they will soon beckon the call (as always) and obediently follow suit with what is so obviously the consensus of the entire global scientific community. Any reasonable person understands that objecting to science is sure and sudden career suicide.

Should we face time-tolling opposition, we have in our defense an assemblage of fancy-colored pie charts, lengthy assessment reports (obfuscated by scientific language) and a bloodcurdling line graph which we proudly call “the Inverted Hockey Stick.” The trusted Inverted Hockey Stick Graph shows a peak in temperatures during the Medieval Warm Period and its radical downward slope which will become even more extreme should we not take immediate action.

With much sorrow did I receive the inevitability of this inconvenient truth. As a result of invading shorelines produced by melting ice caps, I had anticipated the conversion of my Poughkeepsie residence into beach front property. A recession of our oceans will not only deprive me and my neighbors of this congenial prospect, but it will also deflate the value of all properties world-wide causing an implosion of the real estate market likely comparable to the sub-prime mortgage crisis of 2008.

We must not allow global cooling to occur. I plead with you, on behalf of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, to not let this concern go unaddressed in Congressional legislation. Make do with what present circumstances may bring — turn lemons into lemonade — for “a crisis is a terrible thing to waste,” as Obama’s chief of staff Rahm Emanuel so emphatically put it. We must align ourselves without question to the science-based rationales which have led us so courageously in the past. God help us all.

Contact Chris Scott at

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