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Spring Movie Releases

January 21, 2015

written by Brian Shesko

Like the buds of awakening trees, or the first steps of the newborn fawn, “Hollywood”’s spring movie season will soon be here, dropping its crap all over our cars and wobbling clumsily around the woods. Yes, that endless factory of creativity and dreams has pinpointed the exact entertainment spending habits of 18 to 35 year old males gone to great lengths to bring to life the stories that speak to the hearts of each and every one of us, and the fruits of those labors will soon be at a theater near you. And since you can’t go into the spring movie season blind, we’re here to give you a “heads up”. Actual spring is from March to June, but it’s another matter entirely when you’re talking about a movie calendar. So, equinoxes and solstices be darned, by “spring” we mean the more traditional understanding of February-ish to the end of May, also known as “real spring, the way God intended”. Let’s take a look, shall we?**

**Looking, of course, at Liberty Way appropriate movies. Yes, Hot Tub Time Machine 2 will be out soon, but that’s not exactly on our radar here.

February/March

  • Jupiter Ascending (Feb. 6) kicks(?) things off(?) kind of(??) and is a movie that people will probably pay money to see. WARNING – You already know ahead of time that Channing Tatum is in here, and so is Mila Kunis, and she plays a character named “Jupiter Jones”. You deserve everything you get if you go see this. There’s no way Sean Bean survives this movie.
  • Hey kids! Smash those piggy banks open or demand your allowance a little early this time because February has the Sean the Sheep Movie (Feb. 6) and The Sponge Bob Movie: Sponge Out of Water (Feb. 6).
  • Most of you have probably said at some point in your life, “I like James Bond, but couldn’t they make something like that, you know, for tweens?” SAY IT NO MORE, because Kingsman: The Secret Service (Feb. 13) heard your cries and is here to cradle you. Rest easy, tweens.
  • Cinderella (Mar. 13) returns to theaters, this time as a live-action movie. Fake Fact: the movie was rated PG just because the MPAA was so unsettled by Helena Bonham Carter singing Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo.
  • More tweens! Divergent returns with the next movie in the series, this time called Insurgent (Mar. 20). What It’s Probably About – Two insurgents converge and fervently search for the detergent merchant of abstergents, an attempted disgorgement of the current regents of the resurgent Divergent contingent. For you, to see it should be pretty urgent.

April/May

  • Now we get to the good stuff, unlike those 2nd and 3rd tier movies from February and March! Right off the April bat is Furious 7 (Apr. 3). Stick that in your tail pipe and rev it, February and March! Wait, that’s “the good stuff”? That can’t be it. Certainly there’s something better than this.
  • Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (Apr. 17)? What!?? No, that can’t be it either.
  • Avengers: Age of Ultron (May 1). AHH, now that’s much better. A movie the whole industry can rely on, Joss Whedon brings The Avengers back with, um, a vengeance. This time, there are a lot more Terminator-looking robots, plus what looks like some super-powerful infighting between mythical Thor, super-mutant Hulk, and super-robot Iron Man. Looks like yet another job for the dexterity and pistols of Black Widow!
  • Honorable Mentions: McFarland, USA (Feb. 20), Home (Mar. 27), Tomorrowland (May 22) and San Andreas (May 29)
  • Dishonorable Mention: Pitch Perfect 2 (May 15)

There you have it, a brief look at this spring’s movies. Just remember: this whole year of movies, including the summer “blockbusters”, is just a light appetizer on the way to the main course: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. Plan accordingly, and as always, happy viewing!



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